How to be an American in 7 easy steps!

How to really fit in as an American in the 21st century (that's what it's all about anyways, right?)

1. WATCH TV.
This is THE essential, the key, to fulfilling your role as the stereotypical American. This is absolutely vital to turning your mind off to the issues and questions of life.
The great mind number (pronounced "nummer") that is television thinks for you- without it you might have to actually think (and have time in which to do it.) Without the TV you wouldn't be plugged into materialism or the glorification of money and sex. What then would be your aim? No, no, TV is the only way.

*Remember: we are an entertainment-centered culture. That means videogames, movies, and of course non-stop shows to help keep your mind off things. Always keep it running in the background if you are forced to actually do something.


2. Give in to what the TV wants you to do.
It's working hard on programming your subconscious so just let yourself do what you're programmed to do. Buy the bigger TV/house because that'll make you happy. Find a really good-looking girl, but make sure she looks just like the ones you see on TV. Girls- make sure you try to look like the women on TV: after all life's really not worth living until you look like that. And of course, buy what they tell you to buy and chase the things that your favorite characters chase- you're so close to the happy ending, all you have to do is just get what they have- THEN you'll be happy.

3. Never read a book.
This might accidentally trip on your mind. Good God, you might even be thinking without trying! If you must read, read something that Oprah tells you or something that'll really agree with what you think about life already. God forbid you would think that there's any other way of life than growing up wealthy and not having to worry about finding food, fear of the government, or anything terrible (and fictional) like that.

4. Make sure your mind stays closed.
Make sure you have the same ideas about life that your parents have- after all, you really owe that to them. The beliefs that were programmed into you as a kid are absolutely 100% correct.

If your parents went to church, keep going to church. Muslims, Buddhists, Atheists- they're all just wrong. What's my reason for that? That's easy because my parents told me! If your parents were atheists, then you were just lucky to be gifted with "intellectual parents". Those religious people are so DUMB. Never question things. You're an American for God sakes, life is great! (right?)

All that holistic health and meditation crap is for hippies. It's just weird. "They" say it can make my life better, but I just don't see it getting much better than this.

5. Go to church every once in awhile (or every Sunday).
Go every once in awhile because it makes you feel good. You've done your Christian duty for the week so now you can feel good. Make sure you go just enough to get into heaven. Just enough for everyone to see that you're a good person. Never "read persay" your Bible on your own. It's just a nice thing to have around the house and reading it might take discipline, patience, and time and how could it really be worth that? Keep your prayers short before you go to bed and make sure you just ask for the stuff you want.

6. DO
Make sure you view everyday as a to-do list of things to check off. When you hang out with friends, it might be like you're checking them off too, but hey- you're being productive (by productive of course, I mean constantly busy). This is really hard to escape for an American so don't even try.

7. Finally, make sure you've got the American plan for your life.
Don't worry about this one. You know it even though you don't know you know it. It's one of those ways we've been programmed to think. Go to college so you can get a good, high-paying job. Make sure you meet your spouse when you're between 21-27 and settle down, have kids, and live happily ever after. What's the big goal of life? Well... ... don't worry about that. Just keep heading down the road that everyone else seems to be moving down.

With that, my friends, you can all fit the happy American mold. Depression is part of the mold nowadays, but that's what the TV (or drugs or beer) are there for. You NEED these distractions because they're much easier than dealing with the real issues in your life.

I've got to go now- there's a new celeb reality show on MTV. I heard that there's some hot blonde whose top almost comes off, so it's a must see. To be honest, this will probably be my last post- I had to think a bit too much and typing for no reason? C'mon, what's the point in that?

- Ihaf Gnomined