The last few weeks have been spiritually difficult and dry. In many ways, I've felt isolated. I've been working the weekend night shift which means that my sleep schedule is wacky. This throws my moods into a bit of a tumult as I do much better with a consistent sleep schedule. Also, I'm just not sure if I've felt really loved a ton. I mean, yeah there's been some people around me and maybe even people who have told me they loved me, but nothing that can match the longings of this heart and soul.
While I've had the chance to meet up with people, talk about life, love and the Lord, I just don't know if I've felt any consistent "We're-here-for-each-other-ness" with anyone. I feel like I have a wide span of isolated friendships and maybe not a solid support network.
I want to feel like I'm on mission with people, working for something bigger than and outside of ourselves. I want to feel like I'm loved for who I am and that I bring something of value.
Then, in my mood, in my loneliness, in my spiritual dryness, I take and read.
For God alone my soul waits in silence (Psalm 62:1)
God alone
It's really easy to look for external things to quench the thirst of my soul. Maybe if I keep busy, sleep more, hang out with friends, have more fun, read more bible, share my faith more, go out for some beers, entertain myself, get a great girlfriend
THEN things will be good.
The truth is that all these things are good and might even be the means by which God fills our souls, but at the bottom of everything, it is "only God" and not our actions or decisions that save our soul from shriveling. We are all humble beggars at the feet of the Lord. We have nothing to leverage and we cannot make God do a thing. This is no less than dependence and depending on how deeply we've swallowed the illusion of human autonomy, this can be a hard thing to take.
Sometimes it takes having good things and still feeling empty to come to the horrible fact that we cannot revive our own soul.
"There is an evil that I have seen under the sun, and it lies heavy on mankind: a man to whom God gives wealth, possessions, and honor, so that he lacks nothing of all that he desires, yet God does not give him power to enjoy them..."
(Ecclesiastes 6:1-3 ESV)
No friendship, girl, book, food, experience, words, bible verse, sermon, entertainment, conversation, financial situation, or job will make me feel whole. These can at most be means. At the bottom of everything, it truly is God alone and this is the thrust of the psalm.
my soul
As a proviso, some people don't feel spiritual hunger. In the physical world, there also people who don't need to be fed. Why? Because they're dead. Ephesians talks about men and women who haven't experienced God as being spiritually dead. Now I think the soul with a dead spirit has cries of its own, but for now we're dealing with someone who is spiritually alive.
The soul is the deepest part of who we are. If all outward appearances are good, yet the soul is starved, you're probably feeling like our man from Ecclesiastes. How do we forget this part of us? The remarkable reality is that the converse is also true. If all else is crashing around us, yet our soul is experiencing life, love, wonder, and all the other things that go along with God being near, we will be happy- happier than the man who has "it all" but who has lost track of his maker and purpose.
waits
What if I pray and I don't feel all better? What if I read my bible and nothing magic happens?
Wait.
It is not "He has not come", but "He has not come yet". Wait, my brothers and sisters- and if he does not come, keep waiting, keep listening.
in silence
So I'm a bit of a mystic maybe but here's what I like to do. I like to pour out my heart to God- in writing. Thinking is circular, speaking is a little better, but writing is linear and allows you to be clear in your thoughts, feelings and prayers before God. It helps you get it all out there. Write with your heart, not with your head. And then when every crevice of my heart has been poured out, every frustration voiced, every thought and counter thought explored... I listen.
I just sit there, let thoughts come in and go out and bring my focus back to listening to the Father. What is the Lord telling to my head? To my heart? This isn't a 4 minute exercise. Give yourself time- however long it takes to literally let "your soul wait for God in silence."
Man, I haven't done this in awhile.
Come, Lord. I need to know you- to experience you, to taste and see that you're good. My faith is faith- it's not a feeling, but that is why I wait. Let me drink deeply of your grace and love.
O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
(Psalm 63:1-8 ESV)
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