Sometimes I feel like I'm a candle, trying to stay lit.
Sometimes I just feel like myself and those around me are alright with "American Christianity." It feels like any passion and love I have for God could just go out and no one would bat an eye. I'm certain that I could speak the language and know the bible just right and fool everyone.
As I'd continue to go to church, lead a bible study, have a quiet time, etc. those around me would smile, tell me I'm great, maybe even point to me as an example. Meanwhile, God would have no place in my life. My heart would be absolutely dead to Jesus. The small group would be a fun time, the quiet time arbitrary, the church service a cool social gathering, and accountability would be more like therapy.
Friends, books, ideas, and fun would excite me and I would let these things take real possession of my heart- my time, money, and topic of conversation would probably reflect it.
It's so easy here. It's SO easy. It's easy to focus on my job- how well/not well it's going. It's easy to focus on who I am/am-not dating. It's easy for me to study how to follow Jesus. I mean really. How much time in the last year have you dedicated to studying what to do in response to Christ and how much time have you spent actually going and doing it? It's easy for me to turn a quiet time into a positive thought for the day. It's easy to talk about church and not God. It's easy to write a blog entry on "lukewarmness". without changing anything. Meanwhile our souls shrivel.
It feels like I just get moments of sight and then I'm back in the rut headed down the path of the lukewarm again. What is the solution? Can I handle making money while living in America and escape with my soul? I'm beginning to wonder if I can.
1 comment:
Now this is the soul-ripping, heart-tearing, deep-down-bone-wrenching truth, wisdom, honesty and insight that I was looking for Rips. Thank you for your openness, and for your heart. I have a feeling that, if everything goes to plan (which it certainly may not), next year will be another life-changing year in my walk.
"And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for 'In him we live and move and have our being.'"
"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."
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